Normal

I spent the day attempting to get my life organized. Over the past month my home, my work, and my mind has been scattered, messed up, and chaotic. And, none of those things denote calmness or equanimity. I've been feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. Then today I heard my mother's voice inside my head telling me that I'd feel better if there were some order to my space.

Another little voice screamed, "It's too much! You can't do it!"


My mother's voice won out though by reminding me to start small and only do a few tasks--her gentle voice reminding me to not try and tackle everything at once.


So, I started small. I sorted the laundry. Then, I washed a load of towels. Then, I put the load of towels in the dryer and placed a load of permanent press in the washer. I even remembered to put in the laundry soap.


Now I know this sounds mundane, but when you've suffered a great loss, it's very difficult to do anything "normal", or to watch other people doing "normal" things. You wonder how life can go on the way it does when your life is altered for all time.

I found there was something soothing about doing mundane everyday things, so I decided to keep on with my tasks. When evening fell I discovered a folding table full of clean clothes, dishes done, and even a trip to the post office accomplished. I also found it easier to breathe.

I know the grief will be sticking around for a long time, and there's nothing I can do about that. But, I know Shawn would be upset with me if I allowed sorrow to get the upper hand. So, tomorrow I plan to go grocery shopping and, the day after that, I might cook dinner. I know it will make me feel better, and...my hubby will be amazed.

Memorial Day

Yesterday, George and I spent the entire morning at the cemetery where our son is buried. We went, not to be maudlin, but to feel the peace of shared grief, to pay tribute to the military heroes commemorated by this day, and to express feelings of love for our son.

We were touched by the thousands of flower arrangements placed lovingly on the graves, and knew they represented a family member or friend taking the time to share love and memories. In fact, there were several large family groups circled around grave sites and talking--some folks were even sitting in lawn chairs or on blankets sharing stories and passing on the legacy to the little ones of the family.

We listened to the music of several bands, and shed a few tears when the Scottish bag-pipers played their selection of tunes. It was a good day and a difficult day. We know it will be difficult for a long time. We know the pain is the price we pay for having loved our son so much.

Memorial Day has taken on a deeper significance.

Shawn

I just opened my blog and realized that I last posted a thought on May 12. Latter in the afternoon my husband and I would find out that our dear son had unexpectedly passed away. He'd been sick with the flu for three days, but we certainly could not have expected such a devastating outcome.

Be kind to each other.

Nice People

The world is made up of nice people. Oh, I know, the nay sayers will insist that there are bad, weird, and crummy people populating the planet too, and I would have to concede, but it has been my experience that the nice far outnumber the negative. I will give you an example.

I just returned home from a trip to Texas where I was privileged to be the key-note speaker for a meals-on-wheels fundraiser. I had never been to Texas nor had I met the people organizing the event. I'd surmised them to be people of heart because they were working to care for the seniors in their area, providing great services, one of which was the meals-on-wheels program.

Getting off the plane, I looked about for the two women who were to meet me, and was greeted by two smiling faces. Within the first few minutes of introductions I felt a calmness and connection. As we drove to the hotel we chatted amiably about this and that, finding common ground in family, faith, and service.

Later that evening I was blessed to meet more good people of substance as I went to a delightful dinner with members of the CSS (Community Senior Services) board. These were people who had decided that doing service was a good way to spend one's time. And, I knew that this altruism was repeated hundreds of thousands of time across the nation and the world.

Good people.

Vacation

After a few months of intense work, George and I opted for a little vacation. We are at Disneyworld. It is fun. It is tiring (on the days we visit the parks). It is relaxing (on the days we sit by the pool). Vacations are necessary. In most countries in Europe vacations are called holidays, and bosses insist their employees take holidays to renew and rejuvenate. Makes sense to me. Vacations give the mind, body, and emotions time to rest, and normally a person returns from a vacation more alert and with a fresh perspective on how to solve problems in their field. Sounds good, doesn't it?

So, I am off to rest and rejuvenate. Heaven knows, in a few days I will be back at the grind and I'll need every bit of alertness I can muster. Alertness? Is that a word? Oh, who cares, I'm on vacation!

Writer's Conference

I just returned home from a writer's conference in Provo, Utah.

Provo, Utah? Yes, and it was fabulous! There were over 400 participants, the workshops were informative, the keynote speakers were inspiring, and the food was tasty. It was so much fun to rub shoulders with other writers--some of us already published, and some just starting to put pen to paper, or fingers to computer keys.

I had the privilege of teaching a workshop about writing historical fiction, and my attendees had such great ideas and great enthusiasm. It was inspiring to see the passion many of these folks had for the written word, and the persistence they had in the face of rejection. (Of course, rejection comes with the territory).

I also sat down at "Boot Camp" with three very talented women who wrote children's picture books, and together we worked to structure the delightful pieces into saleable products. It was so much fun to be involved in that rudimentary process. Thanks ladies for the opportunity.

I would advise anyone, with the slightest inclination to write, to attend a writer's conference and get inspired!

Thoughts on Life

We are experiencing a phenomenal sunny day! Where yesterday there were clouds, there is blue sky. Where there was snow and sleet, there is a soft clear breeze. My dog sleeps in a patch of sun on the kitchen floor, and I don't have to turn on a light at noon to read a book.

I'm not complaining about the rain and snow; we need it for the parched summer months, I'm just trilled with today--with the beauty of a spring--with having feelings of gratitude--with the metaphor I acknowledge.

I've been through some tough times recently (like the dark gloomy days), and now, for a time at least, things have settled down (sunshine). I made it through the tough times by giving things over to God. The mean and scary situations were nothing over which I had any control, so who better to pick up the burden? I do the best I can to be the best me I can be, and I leave the rest to God. It works out very well. I don't shirk my responsibilities, but I don't waste time in worry.

Here's a quote from Martin Luther that I repeat often to myself:

"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."